Guidelines According to Ann

The Guidelines According to Ann A collection of poems and writings by Ann Lornie
Efforts Military Marching Song Members here will surely find Efforts gives you peace of mind We don't want an early death Just because we're short of breath Don't resort to chitter chat Of 'I agree' and 'Fancy that!' Ask your questions, give replies On meds and valued exercise Stay on topic, if you please You'll get help with lung disease, Improve your health and attitude, Sign your emails, thank you, dude. Ann is thrilled if you do this Her heart is filled with joyful bliss So come on members, make her day, Let's grow in strength, the Efforts way.	Emails are Read Emails are read, Dilly, dilly, Ann feels quite blue If they're not signed Dilly, dilly As she asked you to. So please stop and think Dilly, dilly, Ere you hit send Have you done as asked? Dilly, dilly, Thank you. The end.

West Side Story - the ruination of the tune of 'I Feel Pretty' I feel sickly, Somewhat prickly, I feel sickly and prickly and rough I am certain that it's curtains - Oxygen isn't enough. Is it worth it? All this sighing? All this sighing and crying for air? Who will hug me? More like bug me, And I really don't think it is fair. See that helpful group on the internet? What group and where? Who can that attractive group be? See the EFFORTS group See the EFFORTS group Oh, whoopee ....... It will help you To feel better, Better and fitter and may Make you stronger and live longer To enjoy yet another good day.	Summertime And our breathing is wheezy Hearts are thumping And the temperature's high, A name is missing At the end of an email And no address .... It's making Ann cry. One of these mornings Ann's gonna rise up singin' Spread her arms And shout: 'my oh my' Because at last Members do as she asks them Signing their emails Ere they send a reply. But till that morning We'll do purse lip breathin' Shake our heads And give a big sigh, Because that day Is a long time a-coming Just like waiting For piglets to fly.

Apologies to Stephen Sondheim Isn't it rich? It isn't fair. Why are we struggling to breathe In all this air? Find us some lungs, Some workable lungs; Ours are showing some wear. Just when we stopped Going outdoors, Staying at home Daunted by chores, We found this group. We are under its care. It helps us to know That someone is there. Don't you love friends Who all understand And offer you help Of just the right brand? We are such clowns - We all act like clowns. But please hold my hand.	With apologies to the author of Mack the Knife Make my life. Oh this group has lovely folk, dear, And we read the mail they write Sign their names right at the end, dear, On display, not out of sight. When you write without a name, dear, You are not known and it's a shame Because our members are our friends, dear, And we like to know your name. If you're embarrassed by the subjects, The most recent one was 'sex'. We can cope with the effects, dear, If you sign with just an 'X'.

Apologies to Leonard Bernstein Dear kindly Sergeant Krupke We didn't understand, It's just our bringin' up-ke That got us out of hand. Most of us were smokers, When dangers were unknown. Without the help of Efforts, we'd be on our own! Gee Officer Krupke, we're very upset, We never had the info that smokers should get. We ain't no delinquents We didn't see the trick. Deep down inside us we are sick!! ALL We are sick, we are sick Our poor lungs are very sick, Like inside the best of us are sick. So to all our friends in Efforts, Although it may seem rough, Most of us are coping, We members are so tough. We try to help each other Stop from feeling sad, And that's why we're sayin' THINGS ARE NOT SO BAD! Eek! Officer Krupke, you've done it again. These members aren't unhappy, even in pain. It ain't just a question that we're understood, Deep down inside us, we are good! (With apologies to West Side Story - NB Officer Krupke is aka Gary Bain - LOL)	Evolution In olden times we'd write on slate To send a message. Then we'd wait A month or so for a reply. It took so long, I wonder why? Then such joy, the human race Employed the mail men, changed the pace Of writing letters to each other - Much less time and much less bother. Progress made and now, exciting, Emails travel fast as lightning. If you're not sure of what to write Now you're a member of this site, Evolution - pause to think And click below - the missing link. http://www.emphysema.net/posting.html ___________________ Terse Verse Why we have rules, when it's a bore, Is so the members can read more About their problems with disease. So follow all the guidelines, PLEASE! Just check them out, the link's below. Then, no excuses, you will know Exactly what we all should write And what we shouldn't. BE POLITE!

More Post Guidelines New member writes: 'Oh help me, do, I want to feel as well as you.' Some older members hit the keys Typing: 'Give up smoking, please' And: 'Exercise, it is a must, You cannot sit at home and rust.' Another writes: 'You'll love this site; They really care and put you right On what to do, what meds to take. Oh not that one, it makes you shake!' 'Your breathing will improve no end If you will sign the mail you send And stay on topic, if you can. Do you believe that?' 'Oh, yes, Ann!' __________________________ Gary had a little group But how was he to know It would become a major troupe Continuing to grow. It grew to such proportions, Much to his surprise, His face smiled in contortions As it increased in size. The group helps many patients To live in better health The young'uns and the ancients, And Gary Bain, himself.	Jack and Jill Jack and Jill Went up the hill To fetch a pail of water Jill gasped for breath And felt like death The moral comes hereafter Jack carried on, got the water, came back , helped Jill back down the hill and impressed on her that she must stop smoking, must exercise more and must watch her diet. Jill sighed and wished she had married a muscle man and not a must-all man. Older members will remember the weekly 'Reminders' which were to encourage all members to follow the posting guidelines when emailing the main list. So for newer members and to jog the memory of others, here are a couple of requests to be going on with. Please try and follow these; it is seen as courtesy to others and helps make EFFORTS such a brilliant support group. Firstly, please send emails that are not essential reading for 2300 + members d-i-r-e-c-t-l-y to the person you are responding to..... do not send via the main list, but address it to the member's personal email address. This will be so very much appreciated by those who cannot spend too long at the computer for either health or technical reasons. Secondly, to enable the above to happen, it is incredibly helpful, at the end of your emails to the main list to sign off with your name, state and email address. Example below: Lassie, Hollywood, CA - dogslife@pound.com Oceans of love from across the Atlantic to all members - even the ones who forget the guidelines from time to time! You know who you are! LOL

The Sound of Mucus High on a hill sat an Efforts member Lay ee odl lay ee odl lay hee hoo Scratching his head since last December Lay ee odl lay ee odl-oo Shall I sign my name and put my addy? Lay ee odl lay ee odl lay hee hoo Or take the blame and be a baddy? Lay ee odl lay ee odl-oo [chorus, to be sung loudly by members with an FEV1 of 20% or more. 02 concentrators keep in time with the beat, please] O ho lay dee odl lee o, o ho lay dee odl ay O ho lay dee odl lee o, lay dee odl lee o lay Meanwhile Ann pleads and also begs you Lay ee odl lay ee odl lay hee hoo Do as asked or she'll smack your legs, you Lay ee odl lay ee odl-oo Stay on topic and don't get sidelined Lay ee odl lay ee odl lay hee hoo And please check out the posting guidelines* Lay ee odl lay ee odl-oo [Chorus: as before] O ho lay dee odl lee o, o ho lay dee odl ay O ho lay dee odl lee o, lay dee odl lee o lay	Oh What a Beautiful Morning Oh what a beautiful morning, Oh what a beautiful day, Guidelines are all being honoured Except in the following way: There are emails without any author, Words written without any name. Your name, state and addy would therefore Help others and cast out all blame. Oh what a beautiful morning, Oh what a beautiful day, Guidelines are all being honoured Except in the following way: Emails which end with a 'saying' Are frowned on because, sad to say, Tag lines cost more for the website. So please will you stop it today! Oh what a beautiful morning Oh what a beautiful site! Guidelines are all being honoured Or will be, when we get it right!

With apologies to the Beatles... All you need are lungs. All you need are lungs. All you need are lungs, lungs. Lungs are all you need. If you don't sign your name it isn't known And your email addy really should be shown At the end for all to see, that is where it's meant to be. It’s easy. All you do is sign And add your addy in a line All you do is sign, sign That is all we need. If you don't keep on topic it's a bore, Increasing email numbers so much more. So send them privately, if they are meant to be. It's easy This support group is for lungs This support group is for lungs This support group is for lungs, lungs Lungs are what we need If you don't follow rules, it's bad And causes all the members to get mad So please improve this week a tad It's easy Please, dear members toe the line. All we ask is that you sign. Don't let me waste these words of mine Won't you please take heed. All we do is breathe. All we do is breathe. All we do is breathe, breathe. Breath is all we need.	Mark Done Told Me Mark Mangus done told me When I was a newbie, Mark Mangus done told me, Hon.... A smoke is a two-face It will give you a brief thrill But when the inhaling's done A cig is a two face, A worrisome smoke, which just makes you choke, And not breathe in the night. Now we're exercisin' And our hopes are risin', whooee! Hear our happy whistle Blowin' across the trestle. whooee A-whooee-ah-whooee, clickety clack, Now we are on track - We can breathe in the night! From Manila to Memphis, From Melbourne to St. Joe, Wherever the four winds blow EFFORTS has members In so many countries, But there is one thing we know; COPD ain't winning, it's a worrisome thing, but will no longer sting When we all fight the fight! Frank Barrett done told us To send out our letters, If you can write emails, Hon, You can write as requested, You'll get such a thank you And when all the writing's been done, They'll find us a treatment Maybe curing this thing And boy, will we sing. And we'll breathe, day and night! (Ann in England done told you!) Please write your campaign letters.

One Pained Melody! Oh my lungs, Are weak ones, I hunger for some air So I can sing this song. Time goes by, so slowly And you are not aware Your after shave is strong. I need some air I need some air Please get fresh air to me. How I'd love to be by the sea, by the sea, Breathing in the air by the sea. How I'd love to be by the sea, by the sea, Let's go to the beach, wait for me. Oh my lungs, I've exercised And I can do so much For such a long, long time. Time goes by but slowly I am back in touch With all that's mine.	When I'm 94... If I could ask you just one thing Before you raise your voice and sing, Please sign your name each time you write An email to us on this site! We'll be pleased - don't drive us crazy! Just oblige: stop being lazy. _________________________________ Thanks to the Beatles again. When some of us notice we're losing our hair, We don't say it's our age. Most of us are happy to blame this disease, For baldness, wrinkles, pleats on our knees. If we stayed out till quarter to three Could we blame ER? Delayed while they checked us, started to dissect us, Escaping via the door. Friends can be handy, mending a fuse When our lights have gone. They do all the chores that we cannot abide We mount our bikes and go for a ride. Friends can do digging and pulling the weeds, Who could ask for more. Don't have to be wealthy, but need to stay healthy, To live to ninety-four. We'll send you a postcard, drop you a line, >From our latest cruise. Tell you 'bout the pain of all the exercise Walking round the deck, and one or two lies About the healthy food, no pecan pies We won't eat them no more. We'll try a bit harder to keep out of the larder, And live till ninety-four!

Dedicated to Tom Brewer My meds are taken I'm ready to go I'm standin' here outside the door Ready to give adventure one more try With my 02 switched on It's early morn The taxi's waitin' He's blowin' his horn Already I'm so happy I could cry! Wave to me and smile for me Tell me that you’ll wait for me An excitement that I thought I'd never know I'll be breathing on a jet plane Don’t know when I’ll be back again Oh wow, I never thought I'd get to go There’s so many times I’ve turned it down Feeling sad, stuck on the ground I tell you now, that they don’t mean a thing Ev’ry place I go, I’ll think of you Ev’ry song I sing, I’ll sing for you When I come back, I’ll tell you everything! Wave to me and smile for me Tell me that you’ll wait for me An excitement that I thought I'd never know I'll be breathing on a jet plane Don’t know when I’ll be back again Oh wow, I never thought I'd get to go I'm glad I had the opportunity to know Tom. He worked so hard to help everyone on this group, was always quick to find an answer for someone in distress and had a delightful sense of humour. He will be much missed.