The Guidelines According to Ann
A collection of poems and writings by Ann Lornie


Efforts Military Marching Song

Members here will surely find
Efforts gives you peace of mind
We don't want an early death
Just because we're short of breath

Don't resort to chitter chat
Of 'I agree' and 'Fancy that!'
Ask your questions, give replies
On meds and valued exercise

Stay on topic, if you please
You'll get help with lung disease,
Improve your health and attitude,
Sign your emails, thank you, dude.

Ann is thrilled if you do this
Her heart is filled with joyful bliss
So come on members, make her day,
Let's grow in strength, the Efforts way.
Emails are Read

Emails are read,
Dilly, dilly,
Ann feels quite blue
If they're not signed
Dilly, dilly
As she asked you to.

So please stop and think
Dilly, dilly,
Ere you hit send
Have you done as asked?
Dilly, dilly,
Thank you. 
The end.

West Side Story - the ruination of the tune
of 'I Feel Pretty'

I feel sickly,
Somewhat prickly,
I feel sickly and prickly and rough
I am certain that it's curtains -
Oxygen isn't enough.

Is it worth it?
All this sighing?
All this sighing and crying for air?
Who will hug me?  More like bug me,
And I really don't think it is fair.

See that helpful group on the internet?
What group and where?
Who can that attractive group be?
See the EFFORTS group
See the EFFORTS group
Oh, whoopee .......

It will help you
To feel better,
Better and fitter and may
Make you stronger and live longer
To enjoy yet another good day.
And our breathing is wheezy
Hearts are thumping
And the temperature's high,
A name is missing
At the end of an email
And no address ....
It's making Ann cry.
One of these mornings
Ann's gonna rise up singin'
Spread her arms
And shout: 'my oh my'
Because at last
Members do as she asks them
Signing their emails
Ere they send a reply.
But till that morning
We'll do purse lip breathin'
Shake our heads
And give a big sigh,
Because that day
Is a long time a-coming
Just like waiting
For piglets to fly.


Apologies to Stephen Sondheim

Isn't it rich?
It isn't fair.
Why are we struggling to breathe
In all this air?
Find us some lungs,
Some workable lungs;
Ours are showing some wear.

Just when we stopped
Going outdoors,
Staying at home
Daunted by chores,
We found this group.
We are under its care.
It helps us to know
That someone is there.

Don't you love friends
Who all understand
And offer you help
Of just the right brand?
We are such clowns -
We all act like clowns.
But please hold my hand.
With apologies to the author of Mack the Knife
Make my life.
Oh this group has lovely folk, dear,
And we read the mail they write
Sign their names right at the end, dear,
On display, not out of sight.
When you write without a name, dear,
You are not known and it's a shame
Because our members are our friends, dear,
And we like to know your name.
If you're embarrassed by the subjects,
The most recent one was 'sex'.
We can cope with the effects, dear,
If you sign with just an 'X'.


Apologies to Leonard Bernstein
Dear kindly Sergeant Krupke
We didn't understand,
It's just our bringin' up-ke
That got us out of hand.
Most of us were smokers,
When dangers were unknown.
Without the help of Efforts, we'd be on our own!
Gee Officer Krupke, we're very upset,
We never had the info that smokers should get.
We ain't no delinquents
We didn't see the trick.
Deep down inside us we are sick!!
We are sick, we are sick
Our poor lungs are very sick,
Like inside the best of us are sick.
So to all our friends in Efforts,
Although it may seem rough,
Most of us are coping,
We members are so tough.
We try to help each other
Stop from feeling sad,
And that's why we're sayin'
Officer Krupke, you've done it again.
These members aren't unhappy, even in pain.
It ain't just a question that we're understood,
Deep down inside us, we are good!
(With apologies to West Side Story -
NB Officer Krupke is aka Gary Bain - LOL)

In olden times we'd write on slate
To send a message.  Then we'd wait
A month or so for a reply.
It took so long, I wonder why?
Then such joy, the human race
Employed the mail men, changed the pace
Of writing letters to each other -
Much less time and much less bother.
Progress made and now, exciting,
Emails travel fast as lightning.
If you're not sure of what to write
Now you're a member of this site,
Evolution - pause to think
And click below - the missing link.


Terse Verse

Why we have rules, when it's a bore,
Is so the members can read more
About their problems with disease.
So follow all the guidelines, PLEASE!
Just check them out, the link's below.
Then, no excuses, you will know
Exactly what we all should write
And what we shouldn't.  BE POLITE!


More Post Guidelines

New member writes:  'Oh help me, do,
I want to feel as well as you.'
Some older members hit the keys
Typing: 'Give up smoking, please'
And: 'Exercise, it is a must,
You cannot sit at home and rust.'
Another writes: 'You'll love this site;
They really care and put you right
On what to do, what meds to take.
Oh not that one, it makes you shake!'
'Your breathing will improve no end
If you will sign the mail you send
And stay on topic, if you can.
Do you believe that?'
'Oh, yes, Ann!'    


Gary had a little group
But how was he to know
It would become a major troupe
Continuing to grow.
It grew to such proportions,
Much to his surprise,
His face smiled in contortions
As it increased in size.
The group helps many patients
To live in better health
The young'uns and the ancients,
And Gary Bain, himself.


Jack and Jill

Jack and Jill Went up the hill To fetch a pail of water Jill gasped for breath And felt like death The moral comes hereafter

Jack carried on, got the water, came back , helped Jill back down the hill and impressed on her that she *must* stop smoking, *must* exercise more and *must* watch her diet. Jill sighed and wished she had married a muscle man and not a *must-all* man.

Older members will remember the weekly 'Reminders' which were to encourage all members to follow the posting guidelines when emailing the main list. So for newer members and to jog the memory of others, here are a couple of requests to be going on with. Please try and follow these; it is seen as courtesy to others and helps make EFFORTS such a brilliant support group.

Firstly, please send emails that are not essential reading for 2300 + members d-i-r-e-c-t-l-y to the person you are responding to..... do not send via the main list, but address it to the member's personal email address. This will be so very much appreciated by those who cannot spend too long at the computer for either health or technical reasons.

Secondly, to enable the above to happen, it is incredibly helpful, at the end of your emails to the main list to sign off with your name, state and email address. Example below:

Lassie, Hollywood, CA -

Oceans of love from across the Atlantic to all members - even the ones who forget the guidelines from time to time! You know who you are! LOL


The Sound of Mucus
High on a hill sat an Efforts member
Lay ee odl lay ee odl lay hee hoo
Scratching his head since last December
Lay ee odl lay ee odl-oo

Shall I sign my name and put my addy?
Lay ee odl lay ee odl lay hee hoo

Or take the blame and be a baddy?
Lay ee odl lay ee odl-oo

[chorus, to be sung loudly by members with an FEV1 of 20% or more.
02 concentrators keep in time with the beat, please]
O ho lay dee odl lee o, o ho lay dee odl ay
O ho lay dee odl lee o, lay dee odl lee o lay
Meanwhile Ann pleads and also begs you
Lay ee odl lay ee odl lay hee hoo

Do as asked or she'll smack your legs, you
Lay ee odl lay ee odl-oo
Stay on topic and don't get sidelined
Lay ee odl lay ee odl lay hee hoo
And please check out the posting guidelines*
Lay ee odl lay ee odl-oo

[Chorus: as before]
O ho lay dee odl lee o, o ho lay dee odl ay
O ho lay dee odl lee o, lay dee odl lee o lay


Oh What a Beautiful Morning

Oh what a beautiful morning,
Oh what a beautiful day,
Guidelines are all being honoured
Except in the following way:
There are emails without any author,
Words written without any name.
Your name, state and addy would  therefore
Help others and cast out all  blame.
Oh what a beautiful morning,
Oh what a beautiful day,
Guidelines are all being honoured
Except in the following way:
Emails which end with a 'saying'
Are frowned on because, sad to say,
Tag lines cost more for the  website.
So please will you stop it today!
Oh what a beautiful morning
Oh what a beautiful site!
Guidelines are all being honoured
Or will be, when we get it  right!


With apologies to the  Beatles...
All you need are lungs.
All you  need are lungs.
All you need are lungs, lungs.
Lungs are all you  need.

If you don't sign your name it isn't known
And your email addy really should be  shown
At the end for all to see, that is where it's meant to be.
Itís  easy.

All you do is sign
And add your addy in a  line
All you do is sign, sign
That is all we need.
If you don't keep on topic it's a  bore,
Increasing email numbers so  much more.
So send them privately, if they are  meant to be.
It's easy
This support group is for  lungs
This support group is for  lungs
This support group is for  lungs, lungs
Lungs are what we  need
If you don't follow rules, it's  bad
And causes all the members  to get mad
So please improve this week a  tad
It's easy

Please, dear members toe the  line.
All we ask is that you  sign.
Don't let me waste these words of  mine
Won't you please take  heed.
All we do is  breathe.
All we do is breathe. 
All we do is breathe, breathe. 
Breath is all we  need.


Mark Done Told Me

Mark Mangus done told me
When I was a newbie,
Mark Mangus done told me, Hon....
A smoke is a two-face
It will give you a brief thrill
But when the inhaling's done
A cig is a two face,
A worrisome smoke, which just makes you  choke,
And not breathe in the night.
Now we're exercisin'
And our hopes are risin', whooee!
Hear our happy whistle
Blowin' across the trestle. whooee
A-whooee-ah-whooee, clickety clack,
Now we are on track -
We can breathe in the night!
From Manila to Memphis,
From Melbourne to St. Joe,
Wherever the four winds blow
EFFORTS has members
In so many countries,
But there is one thing we know;
COPD ain't winning, it's a worrisome thing, but  will no longer sting
When we all fight the fight!
Frank Barrett done told us
To send out our letters,
If you can write emails, Hon,
You can write as requested,
You'll get such a thank you
And when all the writing's been done,
They'll find us a treatment
Maybe curing this thing
And boy, will we sing.
And we'll breathe, day and night!
(Ann in England done told you!)
Please write your campaign letters. 


One Pained Melody!
Oh my lungs,
Are weak ones,
I hunger for some air
So I can sing this song.
Time goes by, so slowly
And you are not aware
Your after shave is strong.
I need some air
I need some air
Please get fresh air to me.
How I'd love to be by the sea, by the sea,
Breathing in the air by the sea.
How I'd love to be by the sea, by the sea,
Let's go to the beach, wait for me.
Oh my lungs, I've exercised
And I can do so much
For such a long, long time.
Time goes by but slowly
I am back in touch
With all that's mine.

When I'm 94...

If I could ask you just one thing Before you raise your voice and sing, Please sign your name each time you write An email to us on this site! We'll be pleased - don't drive us crazy! Just oblige: stop being lazy.


Thanks to the Beatles again.

When some of us notice we're losing our hair, We don't say it's our age. Most of us are happy to blame this disease, For baldness, wrinkles, pleats on our knees. If we stayed out till quarter to three Could we blame ER? Delayed while they checked us, started to dissect us, Escaping via the door.

Friends can be handy, mending a fuse When our lights have gone. They do all the chores that we cannot abide We mount our bikes and go for a ride. Friends can do digging and pulling the weeds, Who could ask for more. Don't have to be wealthy, but need to stay healthy, To live to ninety-four.

We'll send you a postcard, drop you a line, >From our latest cruise. Tell you 'bout the pain of all the exercise Walking round the deck, and one or two lies About the healthy food, no pecan pies We won't eat them no more. We'll try a bit harder to keep out of the larder, And live till ninety-four!


Dedicated to Tom Brewer
My meds are taken
I'm ready to go
I'm standin' here outside the door
Ready to give adventure one more try
With my 02 switched on
It's early morn
The taxi's waitin'
He's blowin' his horn
Already I'm so happy
I could cry!

Wave to me and smile for me
Tell me that  youíll wait for me
An excitement that I thought I'd never know
I'll be  breathing on a jet plane
Donít know when Iíll be back again
Oh wow, I  never thought I'd get to go

Thereís so many times Iíve turned it  down
Feeling sad, stuck on the ground
I tell you now, that they donít mean  a thing
Evíry place I go, Iíll think of you
Evíry song I sing, Iíll sing  for you
When I come back, Iíll tell you everything!

Wave to me and  smile for me
Tell me that youíll wait for me
An excitement that I thought  I'd never know
I'll be breathing on a jet plane
Donít know when Iíll be  back again
Oh wow, I never thought I'd get to go

I'm glad I had the  opportunity to know Tom.  He worked so hard to help
everyone on this group,  was always quick to find an answer for someone in distress
and had a delightful  sense of humour.  He will be much missed.



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